I have to write tonight. I know its late. I know I have drank several scotch and waters while watching The New Girl on fox. But I just concluded one of the longest, most maddening, text conversations of my life. And I decided… while feeling the effects of Johnny Walker Red… that I need an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind service- but for my phone (and email and facebook).

I mean that I really wish that instead of writing this blog post I could hit a button and while I sleep someone will come into my house. Take this girls phone number. Call AT& T and block her number. Delete her number. Delete her texts. Block her on facebool. Maybe even delete my account (I’m sure I would end up re-friending). And block her email.

Basically make it as inconvenient as possible for her or I to get in touch with each other. FUCK. As I typed that sentence I got a “goodnight!!??!!??” text because I guess I ignored the last. I responded. Why aren’t you guys assembling venture capital to get our Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless iPhone service off the ground!? I need you. Help me @jack40s. You’re my only hope.

Sorry. I just got sidetracked. What was I saying?

Anyway. It’s been a while you guys! I have been jotting down notes that I was hoping would lead to blog posts. But most of them make no sense or really do not work for the theme of this blog.

Examples include:

“Why aren’t there moon bounces at the bottom of elevator shafts in case of an accident?”

“Who’s in charge of regulating water park slide designs?”

Apparently I wrote down some relevant notes though. “Texting with crazy girl [sic] requires liberal use of the backspace key”

“You will need final drafts not first drafts”

And apparently a videogame reference:

“I feel like I am stuck on petty drama level. And until I learn how to beat the drama boss I can’t move on to the next level (mo money mo problems level followed by adult life, choices, and consequences level).”

I should probably catch you up on what is happening that has lead to all of this. I am sort of dating/talking to a girl that I ran into on st. pattys day. She’s insane.

She’s the kind of girl that freaks out if a picture shows up on facebook without her authorization. For example a picture slightly less sexy than this really infuriated her. Replace Narith obvi.

She doesn’t want anyone to know she’s seeing me unless she’s the one that tells them. And then it will only be a half-truth at best. She acts one way in public and then goes crazy when people comment on it. And that’s all fine. Not ideal. Definitely not girlfriend material. But the problem I have with her came in this last set of exchanges.

“Based on what we talked before I just don’t want to screw you over, in any way. I like you”

and then later

“I know I like you and that I don’t want to start really liking you. Specially now!”

I replied “You are going to screw me over by not being honest with me. Not by liking me too much”

And that really is the crux of this situation and a lot of previous situations in my life. Girls screw a lot of guys over because they’re never truly honest. And I mean way too many half-truths. Just tell me I don’t want to really like you because I dont want a boyfriend. Hell. I literally said that to her only I said girlfriend.

I said I don’t want a girlfriend. Which means what we are doing will ideally not lead to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. So how is any of this a problem? She wants to have her cake and eat it to.

She wants me but she wants others to think shes not. She wants me to be all about her but doesn’t want a relationship. She doesn’t want a relationship but doesn’t want me to say I don’t want a relationship.

I feel like there could be rich case studies if any sort of Dr. Will Smith Hitch Love Phd wanted to sort through this string of text messages. Or atleast a couple of episodes of a mediocre sitcom.

Also I hurt my knee. If I get around to writing within the next 3 weeks…. It will probably be me comparing my life to either Just Wright or Varsity Blues.