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I patiently waited for brown rice to be available at Chipotle and the general manager kindly offered me a free drink and free burrito, tacos, or bowl. Additionally, the burrito bowl I was waiting on was free. I also got a free lunch at the federal conference I was at today. EVERYTHING’S COMING UP MAHNIAC.

Today was the first really, truly, honest to goodness nice day of the year. And not a moment too soon. It felt like resurfacing after being underwater for entirely too long and finally breathing sweet, sweet, oxygen again. Have you ever tried to swim as far as you can without taking a breath? Perhaps from corner to corner of a swimming pool? This winter has felt like trying to accomplish that feat only when you expect to reach the other side its actually another 25 yards. Your muscles begin to spasm and you want to quit.

I know this has been a mild winter without much snow. But damn has it been gray, non-tanktop weather-y, and windy. And DC had snow before Halloween so it has pretty much been non-SUMMAH season since forever.

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(Just realized I fucked up this graph and am not re-doing it. That first trough should be Christmas. Christmas might be crazy but I did not mean to imply that it is depressing/insane. Y’know… unless you have no family. Then I’m sure this is accurate. Ok so… I guess this is winter for people where Christmas blows. Yep. Good. Didn’t have to redo it.)

I wonder why humans have not evolved to hibernate through winter like our bear brethren. I bet if that happened it would be ruined by republicans that would take experimental drugs to stay awake through winter to work so they could have all the money. “Oh you think its unfair that I have this money? Well you could have fought evolution and biology by taking experimental narcotics to excessively work too, hippy!”

I suppose evolution takes a while. Perhaps HG Wells got The Time Machine wrong. Maybe humanity does not evolve into 2 species, one that toils underground, and one that lives above. Instead perhaps one species evolves into bigger, winter sleeping, bear-men, and then other becomes over-worked, thin, year-rounders.

On to something completely different…

Do you know the time period during a talking to/dating/relationship where its no longer acceptable to just stop talking to the person, but you don’t necessarily have to have a formal ‘we need to talk’ break-up session? During this in between time period, apparently it is expected that you send a text or email explaining that you didn’t mean to, but you found someone new. Well I’m real effing sick of that time period. I’ve gotten two of these in the past year.

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When she said ‘if wed been closer’ she means that literally. Fairfax, Virginia was too far away from Arlington, Virginia. I lived in Arlinton. I had a Chick-Fil-A in my apartment building. Some girls find that kind of location HOT.

/no they don’t.

That was last May. Flash forward to this week.

“Mike, I want to tell you something. I know we are not committed to each other, but I think I just have to say it anyway.

Im dating someone. We knew each other already and we met couple of days ago after a long time and we decided to try.

I don’t know if it is going to work but I decided to give myself the chance.

Im just saying it because we were talking about “us” all this time and now its different. I didn’t plan, of course, it just happened.

Obviously, we can always talk but I just wanted to tell you the situation.”

Sentences that begin with “Mike, …” are never good. I totes have a negative Pavlovian response to that ish. I’d rather you just stop talking to me. Instead I have to pull a Tim McGraw and say ‘I’m happy for you’ (given the chance, I’d lie again). Atleast she lives in Sao Paolo, Brazil, which is farther away than Fairfax.

I very much dislike the in between time period where I receive these typed messages.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably thinking “weren’t you learning Portuguese or something stupid? aren’t you capable of conjugating ‘er’, ‘ar’, and a handful of irregular verbs in the present tense? As well as a handful of common expressions that are only useful when talking to Brazilians? I bet that was a waste of time.” Well that’s where you’re wrong, my friend.

I have been invited to my friend’s Brazilian co-workers birthday party (Carnivale theme- not to be confused with Carnival theme). Now I can play the part of a sophisticated individual who is cultured and can speak Brazilian Portuguese in the present tense with a thick redneck Americano accent. Suck it, life.

This post did not feature workouts or romantic comedies. You’re welcome.