Archives for posts with tag: memes

I am in a bit of a quandary. I think there are 2 girls that are interested in me (good problems?). These girls know and hate each other. Well, it might not be reciprocal hatred but atleast one hates the other. They both could potentially be crazy. I know that word gets thrown around about girls but since I have not seen any specific examples I will simply use the broad term of crazy.

So if I have not seen any specific examples of ‘craziness’ why would I make this assumption? Well every single person I have talked to has warned me about one of the girls (including herself… but isn’t self-awareness a symptom of sanity, not insanity? ahh- the philosophy of dating…. tricky). And the other girl has been given Switzerland reviews (the jury is neutral). However, she does have a weird habit of winking at me. And not in a self-confident Vince Vaughn way. Nor is it a grapefruit juice in the eye way. More of a deliberate, drawn out wink. I haven’t noticed if she does this to everyone else. It’s the single strangest flirtatious gesture I have ever seen. And I am oddly attracted to it. But that may be unique to me.

And so we begin the spring character arc of the movie that is my life. And I intend to entertain my audience. We all know how this will end right?

But how will we arrive at the disaster? Ah, thats the unwritten story. So we begin.

“His crush went from exciting to depressing, as if he’d gone from the first blush of infatuation to the terminal nostalgia of a former lover without even the temporary relief of an actual relationship in between.” Lev Grossman in The Magicians.

Thats where I was in blog posts past. All Closer– nothing more than the beginning and end of relationships. Going forward we are going to write a begininng, middle, and end.

I’m certainly not optimistic about how spring will turn out. Mostly because after 26 years I have never learned not to repeat past mistakes.

This is all assuming I don’t get bored. Crazy may be exhausting but it certainly does not produce ennui between the participants. Nobody is bored watching March Madness.

You’re probably wondering why I am going to pursue something with girls such as these. The obvious answer is why not? Honestly, everyone deserves a chance though. I’m attracted to both. As I get to know them better- rather, as they get to know me better, this will sort itself out (OPTIMISM).

I realize this probably sounds like I am proactively attempting to date both. That’s not entirely correct. I haven’t been on a date yet with either. Merely flirting, texts, and back channel communication. So BACK OFF ALRIGHT? And I pray that I don’t actually try that.

Fry: “Everything was going great! Then all out of a sudden, she’s talking about hanging out. Hanging out?! She’s getting way too serious. I’m not a one woman man, Leela.”
Leela: “You’ll be back to zero soon enough.”


I got tricked by one of your fellow readers (possibly the only one. Hi Jack!) into doing the Go Ruck Challenge. So in addition to my primary goals:

  • Hit an out of the park homerun in softball
  • Do the Patrick Swayze lift from Dirty Dancing without asking/requiring the girl to lose weight first

We will be adding the goal of train and complete the Washington DC Ruck Challenge. If anyone is interested in doing this then I urge you to train with me. And no one should be interested in this because it sounds like an awful no good very bad event. So yeah… sign up soon!

“8-10 HOURS. 15-20 MILES. GOOD LIVIN’.

The GORUCK Challenge is a team event and never a race. Inspired by Special Forces training and led by Green Berets, the Challenge builds teams and solves problems.”

Not mentioned is that you carry a 30lb back pack in addition to water and food etc. But it goes through downtown DC so I will basically see my hometown from a new ridiculously horrible perspective.

Seriously, someone talk me out of this. Throw a party June 15th and demand that I attend. Tweet me @MrMichaelMahn with my e-vite. GET ME OUT OF THIS.


I can’t remember the exact phrasing she used because it was St. Patrick’s day. But my mind translated it to mean “You should stay away from me because I am crazy.” I’m sure I replied with something brilliant. I probably said “oh yeah?” Perfect.

I definitely should have quipped that she should watch out for me because I’m a bad boy. I’m dangerous.

I’ve been writing for five minutes and this post has already gotten out of control. If my life was a movie this scene could play out a number of ways.

In a comedy she would say “you should stay away from me because I’m trouble and crazy” and I’ll say “yeah I don’t want any part of that! Crazy girl…” SMASH CUT to wedding alter.

In a drama she would tell me to stay away and I will find this irresistable and charming. I’ll reply with something suave such as “tell that to all the other guys, I’m not listening to it”. (not my best effort… thankfully it did not play out as a drama) and then instead of smash cut its a fade out to black, white text explaining time has elapsed, and then we would be in the midst of a realistically shitty relationship.

A dramedy would play out differently. I don’t know how it would turn out. I don’t really want to find out either. Gotta live my life like a light-hearted rom-com not some sort of mumblecore movie with realistic dialogue and genuine consequences. EFF that.


So I have been trying to regain strength in my legs and have been focusing extremely hard on knees out and full ROM for squats. That is the context you need.

Went to the weightroom today and watched this meathead overload the squat rack with weight and proceed to do half squats with his knees caving in during every single rep. Before the set he was bragging to his friend that he once maxed out at 450. But this was only 315. So after the set (after I finished cringing and wincing) I said to him “your knees were caving in,” to which he replied “yeah, they do that.”

That’s so perfect. They do that. They suuuuuure do.

Knees cave in.

“His ACL popped!”

“Yeah, they do that.”

THAT DOESN’T MEAN ITS GOOD, BUD! I wasn’t complimenting your knee caving in talents.

So, that’s the last time I speak up in the gym.

I’m going to let you savour that without any context.

Jessie says

Also, you really are a SoCal boy trapped in DC. We have sunny warm winters here and lots of nice girls who won’t break your heart.

But then I would be living life 3 hours later in time. You should have timezone envy. Eastern US. Shit gets done before you Cali-folk even turn on Jillian Michaels in the morning. I have lunch al fresco envy though. Ideally South Carolina would stop being ass-backwards and build a viable economy that provides a growing job market. But considering they refuse to take even marginally progressive steps (SUCH AS REMOVING THE CONFEDERATE FLAG FROM THE STATE CAPITAL GROUNDS WHICH WOULD APPEASE THE NAACP SO THEY WOULD LIFT THEIR OFFICIAL BOYCOTT OF SOUTH CAROLINA TOURISM) that probably won’t happen in my lifetime.

Jack says

I don’t think mikes heart is being broken. I think he is just slowly becoming self aware that he is patrick bateman, but instead of huey lewis and the news he loves rom-coms.

I think it’s more like this

I definitely think I’m going to end up as one of those old people that starts to lose it and begins to accidentally reveal to my children and grandchildren the names of foreign women I loved that were not their mother.

Me: “Where’s Katrin?”

Ramsey, Rocco, and Renee: “Who’s Katrin?”

Me: “Who are you?”

Ramsey, Rocco, and Renee: “Your children, dad. Mom’s name is Amy”

Me: “Oh. Forget what I said then.”

Also, apparently, I will be someone that names their children preppy names for girls and bars I worked at for guys. Lucky my fictional fourth child was never born. Because, his name would be ‘Chubby’ (or ‘doctor’ or ‘Two by Four’).


This may or not become a regular addition to the blog format. I’m going to look back at previous posts and critique/make fun of/figure out what the fuck I was thinking when I wrote the post. Let’s start with my first post. Shall we?


That’s a terrible title. Really grabbed your audience’s attention with that one. One exclamation point would not have been enough. Three stands out. However, given the opportunity, I would take Murray’s advice and suggest a fourth exclamation point for emphasis.

As I mention in my profile- this is my attempt to document and keep track of my progress toward a variety of goals in my life. I wanted to maintain some data and information on how I have been improving and how I have felt during the process.

Well this is just not a compelling subject to write about or to read. Let’s think of useful locations to store data. A database. Excel spreadsheet. A note book. A black board. A window pane if you are John Nash… A blog is not a useful database.

When I say improving it could be toward a number of goals, including but not limited to:

  • Weightlifting
  • Golf
  • Performance at work
  • crap I really don’t have any more goals

Note that these are not actually goals but are activities or vague measurements such as performance. Also I show very little grasp at how to effectively use bullet points. Stream of conscience bullet point writing. This could catch on. BLOGGIN’ IN ALL CAPS Y’ALL!!!

If I can update this daily I should have a good amount of information to fall back on. For example if I am really hungover then maybe I can check this and see that I updated the night before with a post that said: “JAGER BOMMMMB POWER SHOTS FTW!!!!!!!111″ and hopefully I will understand that my decisions have consequences.

Update this daily. HAHAHHAHAHAH… So young and ambitious.

This is a terrible first post. it’s fine.

NEW GOAL: find a voice, find an audience.

At least I acknowledged it. Self-aware has got to count for something. This was the first actual goal set. Well done.


Last post for a week. Going to Vail. See you next time.