Archives for posts with tag: texting and dating

I suppose one of the original purposes of this blog was to document how I feel after I eat or drink certain things. Or how it effects my training or health. I think the example I gave was Jagerbombs. This anecdote fits that criteria.

I went to a party Saturday that was a mix of Americans and international people. At one point we were admiring a Brazilian liquor bottle and eventually we gave it a whiff. Smelled like death. Poison! It had a lobster on the label. What does that even mean!? Naturally, this did not prevent me from accepting someone’s offer to make me a cocktail.

So this dude starts muddling lime wedges into ice and then pours the liquor. And pours. And pours. Then he takes one of those 5 pound bags of sugar and just turns it upside down and dumps it. And dumps. And dumps. Not into a vat. Not into a tumbler. But into individual solo ups (not your Red Solo Cup party cups but the smaller cocktail solo cups). Then he muddled/stirred some more.

I watched him pour a bag of granulated sugar into fermented sugar cane liquor and at no point did I think this might be a bad decision.

Long story short, I suffered a fate worse than death on Sunday. A crippling, tormenting, entire day center of my forehead migraine, and non-stop am I going to throw up from the pain of this hangover, or not, feeling.

Not sure where I was going with that. But I will leave with you one piece of advice. Avoid liquors that have pictures of crustaceans on the bottle.

Recently I have a had a friend ask me for advice about how to pursue a guy she is interested in and other general dating/courting/texting advice. Every single time she asks me what to do I want to write back “Just watch He’s Just Not That Into You more,” before realizing that would be a pretty jerkish response.

So instead I just quote the movie.

Still can’t figure out why anyone would solicit advice from me on this subject. Definitely talk to more qualified people.

I mean I can help you text girls or guys but this really should be a sink or swim skill. I will offer advice as a friend but I really should offer a caveat with it. You are talking to someone that thought it was a good idea to text ‘did you have to?’ wait for a response and then text ‘did you have to let it linger.” For absolutely no reason at all.

/did I retread that joke? Couldn’t think of a more blatant example of poor form texting.

Any other liquors you can think of that make you suffer a fate worse than death? Anyone respond to friends entirely in movie titles? “Why won’t he text me?” “He’s just not that into you.” “How’d last night go?” “Failure to launch.”


Julia Child and Julie Powell – both of whom wrote memoirs – find their lives intertwined. Though separated by time and space, both women are at loose ends… until they discover that with the right combination of passion, fearlessness and butter, anything is possible.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Mahn – both of whom are probably narcissists – find their lives intertwined. Though separated by time and space, both men are at loose ends… until they discover that with the right combination of testosterone, goals, and chalk, anything is possible.

In the movie Julie & Julia, Julie Powell’s character finds herself in a quarter-life rut. She missed writing, enjoyed cooking, and was missing fun and passion in her life. This story line mirrored that of Julia Child’s as she learned French culinary arts. Julie set out on a mission to cook her way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking and blog about her troubles and triumphs in cooking and life.

I wouldn’t actually want to take this approach using Arnold Schwarzenegger as my example… lest I end up losing half, and 18 years of child support.

/save your ‘half of what? half of negative money???’ jokes.

But it might be interesting to try to blog my way through a successful weightlifter, powerlifter, or bodybuilder’s book or workout logs. Or maybe its just fun to visualize a movie montage of me failing to poach an egg stick an Olympic snatch, until near the climax when I finally succeed.

Moving on…

Recently I discovered a blogpost from a fellow wordpress writer that had the sensational title  “Texts Guys Just Shouldn’t Send Girls”. It outlines just about everything I actually do.

1. Winky Smiley faces

Ok my smiley faces never wink but come on! Who doesn’t like receiving a smiley face? Have a heart.

4. A 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date request

Not even 3rd!? Things went well the first two times and I can’t text you “whats your level of interest in seeing This Means War friday night?”

5. The word “beautiful” at the end of an obviously mass-text

I don’t really know what that means. Obviously the culprit that inspired #5 doesn’t know that all mass texts should be focused toward one particular name in your phone book. Example: pick out every Katie in your phone and send “Merry Christmas, Katie!” Muah hahah. I’m so stupid.

7. Too many LOLs. (One’s pushing it…Actually-just don’t use LOL at all.)




Hat tip to Jack.

This blog post inspired one of your fellow readers to attempt the holy graille of date proposals. Asking a girl out using an internet meme. I sent him this to help him on his way:


Please don’t ever send that to someone. Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.

Ok, maybe as like a 45th date request to a girl that you are entirely sure is aware of what memes are, enjoys them, has a reddit account, and checks imgur first thing in the morning. Every morning. Amateurs need not apply. Professionals only.



Reader Karlyn says

1) mike, you are so right about a serious lack of space Rom-coms. Here’s hoping for a brighter 2012 for this genre.
2) practical magic was a great movie. I dont care what anyone else says.
3) happy valentine’s day to all!

I am hopeful for 2012 as well. But I think 2013 is the year we have been waiting for. Check out Timeless. A widower looks to travel back in time to solve a matter with his wife and he learns she has left him her fortune. The only rumored cast member is Liam Hemsworth, but I’m sold.


On sunday I went for a 300 lb squat. I did my first set fine. Made my 5 reps and it was obviously hell. On the second set I only got 4 reps and then racked it. On the 3rd set I went down and did not come back up.

Yesterday I went for 300 again. This time I did 2 reps and got pancaked on the 3rd. It might have been 3 reps and then pancaked on the 4th. I’m not sure. It was hard to think. Then my legs stiffened up and I couldn’t do anymore reps until I dropped the weight down to 225. I did another set at that weight.

Considering I started this blog Dec 17, 2011 and did 3 sets at 225, its not too shabby to be at 300lbs right now. Still.. I need to deload.


Hat tip to @1lilchuc1.

Reader @Schwiggles says

<<- Douchiest tweet and faggiest blogpost of the year award right here.

Its 2012, don’t you know douchebaggery has gone mainstream? Homophobic slurs, on the other hand- NOT SO MUCH.

The only contextually appropriate use for the word ‘fag’ is standing outside a pub in the UK and bumming a smoke (‘mind if I bum a fag?’). Surgeon General says that smoking while you’re drinking ‘doesn’t count’.

Reader @allennatt says

looked back at ur old blogs. u mentioned@girlofmydreams. Apparently ur dream girl has lower back tattoos and whiteytighties

This is in reference to texting and dating.

@girlofmydreams really messed up. NOBODY dreams of lower back tattoos. Just go to the strip club for that. @GIRLOFEVERYDAYATCAMELOTGENTLEMENSCLUB

@allennatt also says

yeah she started a killer online dating site for people who enjoy wearing bandannas and belts with the metal pointy pyramids

This made me think back to middle school when I used to listen to very bad punk rock music. Even back then when I would go to the Vans Warped Tour every summer I felt like I couldn’t pull off the metal pointy pyramids belt look. However, I do think I can pull off whatever hairstyle Leonardo Dicaprio is rocking in his latest movie.

/not ready to watch J. Edgar. That might be too radical of a change for me.

One more post in a row that features allen natt and I’m changing the title of this blog to Shit Allen Natt Says (featuring douchey workout advice).

Speaking of which… Squatted 255 3×5. Felt very unfocused. Benched 195 3×3. Did barbell rows 165 3×5. And I did curls. ITS SATURDAY- TIME TO CATCH A PUMP. If I get around to writing tomorrow it will be a post that is both timely, appropriately outlined, and features absolutely nothing about working out…

Texting has come up a lot in conversation lately and I swear it has nothing to do with me steering the conversation toward this or trying to rationalize my anti-social habits. A girlfriend of mine says she actually prefers texting with her boyfriend because his reading comprehension is better than listening and he retains the information better.

This seems intuitive to me. Some people learn better by reading. Additionally, if someone like that reads the text then they also have time to formulate a relevant response.

Asking people out in texts also came up. Someone said that its easier to say no in text or ignore it or whatever and that if you call and put someone on the spot it is more difficult to say no. That would only work if she doesn’t screen your call. AND EVERYONE SCREENS CALLS. This isn’t a 1980s rom com where everyone is in bed talking on their landlines and have no caller id.

Ideally the best way to ask someone out when you are unsure of what their interest level is would be to ask them out in person.

@LuvLifeCoach now follows me. Good. I’m the Hitch of texting.

/douchey. but thats ok. gone mainstream.